What I'm Feeling Today:

I woke up this morning with a sense of existential dread, and it’s taken me a few hours to work through some pretty tough emotions.  Hate, judgement, fear - not just of what’s coming but fear for the world that my kids and grandkids will inherit, fear that we’re so divided we’ll never find our way back, and a whole lot of plain old sadness. What kind of world do we live in?  I was full of hope until last night, believing that most people think the same way I do: that we are all equal and belong, that what matters is the quality of our character and that we shouldn't be judged by our gender, skin colour or sexual identity.  And yet, this morning, I’m not so sure, and the ground feels a little shaky under my feet.

So here is what I do know:

1. The only thing I can control is my reaction to what’s happening around me, and even then, it’s kind of iffy.  But I do have a choice.  I can live with that feeling of dread and let fear get the best of me, or I can take a deep breath and look outside.  There are patches of blue sky trying to peek out from between the clouds.  There’s a breeze causing the leaves on the trees to dance around.  There’s a bird chirping, and somewhere, a frog is saying things that only other frogs can understand.  But I am still here.  We are still here.  And the sun will most likely still come up tomorrow.

2. I do not like how I’ve allowed the politics of division to change me.  It’s made me angry, uncertain, and judgemental of people who think differently than I do, even if we agree on who we want to win.  How did that happen?  I’m ordinarily open and accepting of other people’s differences of opinion because I believe that our differences make us stronger. It's good not to be sure of some things because being sure tends to make you into an asshole. Still, somehow, I’ve become so sure of my own rightness that I’ve had no capacity for different ways of seeing things.  That's not who I am, but evidently, it is, and I’ve been having an internal conversation with myself about that for the last few days.   This past Sunday, three of my closest girlfriends and I got together for a few hours because it's been a while, and we missed each other.  We started to talk about the US election, and even though we all wanted Harris to win, I found myself getting angry because they didn’t all agree with my view of how it was going to happen.  It turns out now that I was the most wrong of all because I was holding out hope that it would be a landslide.  Now I have to eat some humble pie and admit I was wrong, which always sucks, but I’ve known for a few days that I was in the wrong and need to apologize. I know I need to change that part of me and won’t be able to unless I do.  Then I’m going to stop watching the news, except for the parts that affect my life, like traffic, weather, and what’s happening in my community.  The rest is beyond my control.  I’m also going to limit my time on social media to a minimum because it's a death trap.

3. The most important place to feel peace is within myself, especially now.  If there's one thing my cancer journey has prepared me for, it's times like this when everything feels so uncertain. I’ve been living with uncertainty for seven years now, and I’m mostly okay.  I’m feeling a little bit crazy and definitely don’t have a lot of control over what comes out of my mouth, but I also have found a quiet space within myself that I can retreat to when I’m feeling overwhelmed, a place where I can breathe and be still when I need to be.  I also know that the only moment that’s guaranteed is the moment I’m in right now, so I will try to be present in my body, in the here and now, and not worry so much about the future.  I have no control over it anyway, so I’m just going to work on the things that I’d like to change about myself, like being calm and listening more instead of talking all the time.  Like being more sensitive, loving, empathetic, compassionate and kind, and living with hope and curiosity, even though it feels dark and ominous right now.

Like I said, the sun will still rise tomorrow, the birds will be chirping, and the frogs will be singing their tunes as well. In the immortal words of Marge Gunderson, it's a beautiful day. A day full of possibility and wonder.  I just need to change my perspective and focus on that.